Beginning, of course, in JANUARY, the United States Attorney General ordered an inquiry into whether severe interrogation techniques were used on terror suspects in 2002, particularly since the interrogations failed to reveal the Colonel's eleven herbs and spices. The presidential primaries began, starting with the ceremonial changing of the pundit's diapers. Mikhail Saakashvili is re-elected to the office of president of Georgia, and almost immediately and inadvertently causes an international incident when President Bush called Atlanta to congratulate Saakashvili. Indian-American Bobby Jindal was elected governor of Louisiana, causing Bush some consternation regarding whether or not he can still use the line "heckuva job, Brownie." The House stepped in to reconfigure the Bush economic stimulus package when the initial proposal is shown to give money only to Enron and Halliburton. Italian Prime Minister Romano Prodi resigned after a no-confidence vote following the discovery of Chef Boy-Ar-Dee in his kitchen. Bush presented his final State of the Union address, with a color-by-numbers "Mission Accomplished?" banner behind him. In the address, Bush admitted that it was up to the next guy to "git 'r done." That next guy would not be John Edwards or Rudy "Mr. 911" Giuliani, who dropped out to focus on their marriages.

In FEBRUARY, after McCain, Obama, and Clinton dominated "Super Tuesday," U.S. Intelligence Director Mike McConnell announced the potential for a terrorist attack, "sometime around, say, November 3d." Mitt Romney dropped out of the race just in time for people to no longer care. The Senate passed a stimulus package that gave half of the money to Ted Stevens. The Writer's Union strike ended, despite the strike not having any noticeable effect on over half of the sit-coms on television. Pakistani president Pervez Musharraf and his party lost the delayed Pakistani elections, despite Musharraf's attempts to curry favor by changing his first name to Barack. Fidel Castro, 81, unable to handle the truth any longer, resigned as leader of Cuba, and his younger brother Raul (a much more spry 76) replaced him. Ralph Nader... Oh, nevermind.

MARCH brought us a political surprise when Dmitri Medvedev, who had never held political office before, was elected president of Russia on the platform that he could "see Alaska from here!" With two of his three major competitors out (and no one really able to take the phrase "President Huckabee" seriously), John McCain won the Republican nomination for the presidential election, giving him plenty of time to carefully select his running mate. Bush vetoed the bill that would end the use of extreme interrogation techniques, arguing that he was still looking for the formula to New Coke. With his wife by his side, Eliot Spitzer swallowed his pride and resigned as governor of New York after evidence was released revealing him to be part of a prostitution ring. The U.S. government gave billions of dollars to banks to keep them open and able to keep taking billions of taxpayer dollars. Barack Obama delivered a stirring speech on the issue of race in the election and in life, beginning with the stirring words "watchu talkin' 'bout, Reverend Wright?" Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick is indicted on several charges related to obstruction of justice despite the testimony of character witness Rod Blagojevich.

APRIL started with the resignation of Irish PM Bertie Ahern for charges of fraud during his tenure as finance minister in the 1990's. Ahern then retired to Illinois. The Senate passed a housing aid bill that allowed Ted Stevens to build an addition. Vladimir Putin was elected the head of the United Russia party, and would also eventually be named PM of Russia on the grounds that he could see China. Danica Patrick won an IndyCar race in Japan, causing men all over the U.S. to struggle to create another completely ludicrous sport for them to keep women out of. The Bush administration released a link between North Korea and Syria, but the link was met with suspicion, as it was made in crayon.

In MAY, Microsoft ended their bid for Yahoo! when they realized that there was something wrong with the way "M. S. Yahoo!" sounded. Brian Cower was elected prime minister of Ireland when it was discovered that he could see Scotland. The California Supreme Court allowed gay marriage, making it possible for gay couples to eventually go where no gay couples had gone before: Divorce Court. Mylie Cyrus, the popular teen star of Hannah Montana, posed nearly nude for Annie Leibovitz for the cover of Vanity Fair. Sick old men everywhere lamented that they "would have liked to have seen Montana."

As the calendar changed to JUNE, Barack Obama won the necessary number of delegates to be the Democratic nominee for president. Challenger Hillary Clinton initially refused to drop out of the race arguing that she could "still see victory from here!" She eventually does drop out, and in her concession speech Clinton endorsed "uh... That guy." California governor Ahnuld Schwarzenegger declared that California was in the throes of a drought, which he announced could be stopped if he were to be sent back in time to stop the evil Perrier empire. North Korea announced that it would de-nuclearize, beginning with a plan to only reprocess plutonium on days ending in "y."

Coming next week: July 2008 through... Well... Next week!

Continuing the madness of 2008, we check in on the month of JULY, when Serbia formed a new government and announced plans to join the EU. The new government is led by Mirko Cvetkovic, who won his party's trust by ensuring that he could see Kosovo. Iran test-fired new long- and short- range missiles, both of which successfully landed at the Iran/Iraq border. An international contingent, led by the US, reached a deal with North Korea to eventually disarm the poverty and famine ravaged country. In exchange for disarming, North Korea would receive financial aid, food, and the odd kicker insisted upon by Kim Jong Il: Cher. Bush lifted the ban on offshore drilling, just in time for Chaney's stocks to double. Congress passed a bill that gave the government the option of bailing out Freddie Mercury and Fanny Alexander. Ted Stevens spent his birthday listening to a list of indictments against him, convincing him that he should definitely stay in the election coming in November. Thailand's former PM, Thaksin Shinawatra, faced corruption charges as his wife was jailed for tax fraud. Both have plans to move to Illinois in the near future.

During much of AUGUST, Vladimir Putin spent his time at the Olympics convincing Bush that his troops were not rolling into Atlanta. John Edwards announced the irony of his first name in an effort remove any and all sympathy for himself in light of his wife's ailment. Following a spectacular opening ceremony, the Olympics took place in China, causing the rest of the world to want more Olympic games about two weeks later. Michael Phelps won 8 medals, including the Nobel Prize for Physics, with his work on keeping his swimsuit just there. Barack Obama after careful consideration chose Joe Biden as his running mate. John McCain, after even more careful consideration, flipped a coin and found someone who could not only see Russia from her yard, but someone that according to reports could also "see London, and see France." The Democratic National Convention ended with Obama being declared Lord and Saviour, as he walked out on the mountaintops of Denver carrying copies of his books carved into stone.

In SEPTEMBER, a state of emergency broke out in Thailand after a long, peaceful protest led by the People's Alliance for Democracy (PAD) got fed up and declared "Dammit we are not a noodle dish!" This is a bit of irony considering that the PM, Samak Sundaravej, was forced from office after appearing on a cooking show. The Republican National Convention opens with the elder statesman Rudy "Mr 9-11" Giuliani and newcomer Sarah Palin wondering about what kind of job a community organizer really is. A pissed off Jesus, one of the original community organizers, changed their flight to the afterlife. The Republicans left the Twin Cities far slimier than when they left, particularly when Sarah Palin started a chant of "Drill Baby Drill," which was mistaken for a call to allow offshore drilling, and not her method for family growth. As the country reeled from the start of a financial depression, two guys in $500 suits got up and told us why they should run the country. McCain emerged stoic and stern, elegantly referring to his opponent as "That one," and proceeding to flee each venue as fast as possible while his opponent shook everyone's hand.

OCTOBER started with the Bush administration removing North Korea from its terror watch list, due to a desire to not have to fly so far away next time. The candidates for vice-president held their only debate, where Sarah Palin won points for not screwing up, being alert, and winning the talent competition. However, Biden won the overall debate, thanks to his score in the swimsuit round. Just two weeks after Sarah Palin was found to have abused her powers as governor, Senator Ted Stevens is convicted of ethics violations, causing many to ask "just how "close" to Russia are you people?" The Bush administration experiences its own shock and awe as former Secretary of State Colin Powell endorsed Obama, causing many republicans to complain that they meant for the race card to be played differently.

In NOVEMBER, the US population proved it has a brain, pissing off the Wicked Witch of the West, Ann Coulter, who unfortunately was silent for much of November and December after fate stepped in and forced her to have her jaw wired shut after falling over her own words. Californians, in an attempt to balance the scales after having elected a black man president, voted down gay marriage. Ted Stevens gracefully conceded the race for Alaska's senate seat mere weeks after the November 4th election. Sarah Palin announced a joint book tour and turkey shoot. The "Big 3" of the auto industry attempted to get a bailout of their own from Congress, who declined their request until they could guarantee to stop running that "Saved By Zero" commercial. The government did however give money to CitiGroup, proving that Congress really doesn't get it.

With the year nearing its end, DECEMBER got off with a flying start, as Rod "Stickybun Head" Blagojevich is accused of trying to sell the senate seat vacated by president-elect Barack Obama. "Not true," Blagojevich exclaimed, "it was a leasing option!" Bernie Madoff was arrested for bilking clients for as much as $50 Billion in an investment scam. Congress offers to bail him out for $75 Billion. The year ended peacefully when Egypt-based journalist Muntander al-Zaidi threw his shoes at Bush during a press conference in Baghdad. al-Zaidi was immediately signed to a 2-year $30-million deal with the Yankees.

2009 should prove to be very interesting indeed...