THE 2006 ICRVN YEAR IN REVIEW
Ah yes. The annual tradition continues here at the ol' ICRVN: my recap of some of the more peculiar events of the past twelve months and my... unique... take on said events. Shall we begin with, say...
JANUARY: Iran announces that it has begun nuclear power research, which prompts Dubya to ask "what about nu-cu-ler research?" Osama Bin Laden appears on Oprah to discuss the furor over his latest proclamations in his newest book, A Million Little Jihads. The Iraqi elections were mired in controversy, when 58 seats were won by Sunis, and several ballots were labelled "Ohio" and "Florida." The Iraqi reconstruction audits are announced, decreeing that Baghdad "would be another New Orleans." Stephen Harper, a conservative, wins the office of Prime Minister in Canada, and he asks that he be referred to as "Dubya-Eh." Jack Abramoff gets a plea bargain deal in which he is given a reduced sentence and the judge is given control of Minnesota. In his first evangelical, Pope Benedict XVI praises his old drinking buddy, Mel Gibson. Dubya names Benjamin Bernanke to run the Federal Reserve in hopes that no one will talk about the economy if no one can pronounce the name of the guy running the Fed. None of this failed to stop the onrush of...
FEBRUARY: The Nuclear Council gives a report on Iran's activities and intentions, which it describes as "less-than-glowing." Muslims worldwide protest a series of cartoons showing the prohpet Mohammed; the protests turn violent and become the worst protests over cartoons since the "Calvin peeing on Earnhardt" incidents of the mid-1990s. Haiti declares a winner in their presidential elections, and the victor celebrated by dancing around like a chicken with its head cut off, which ironically, is how the winner was chosen. The Bush budget was presented to Congress with defense increases and cuts for education; Bush defended this choice by offering an addendum to "No Child Left Behind" that reclassifies a child as "only a person one day old," which means that his NCLB edict cannot fail, and also needs no money. In a shot heard "'round the Squirrels," Vice president Dick "Yosemite" Cheney shot his friend, Harry Whittington, in the face on a Texas Quail ranch. The Olympics end rather unceremoniuosly for the U. S., when heralded skiier Bode Miller failed to medal in the events he was able to finish. Miller was later invited to go hunting with VP Cheney, rather than go skiing into...
MARCH: India agrees to a deal with the U. S. on nuclear power while the United Nations keeps trying to get the U. S. to notice "that strange glow" to the right of Iraq. Serbian president Slobodan Milosevic dies in prison following a weekend furlough quail-hunting trip. Tom "La-Z-Boy Furniture Tester of the Year" Cruise is lampooned on an episode of South Park in which the actual tenets of Scientology are fully explained, and Scientologists get pissed anyway, mostly because they didn't include Kirstie Alley. Iran agrees to meet with U. S. leaders regarding the situation in Iraq, and invite the leaders to Iran, as the Iranians have "built a nice, warm, glowing fire to sit around." In a tearful apology, Randy "Duke" Cunningham announces that due to his guilt in accepting bribes and in fact, "knowing Jack," he would never know the joy of going quail hunting. Major League Baseball annouces that it would investigate steroid abuse amongst players, just as soon as the players' necks slimmed down enough to allow them to nod or shake their heads. The investigation would surely last well beyond...
APRIL: Chinese president Hu Jintao visits the U. S., where despite Dubya's fawning, Jintao is still insulted by the American president's attempt to reinvent a comedy routine by constantly asking his counterpart at the press conferences, "Hu's on first?" Katie "Quiet Please, Brainwashing at Work" Holmes and Tom "Hooked on Scientology works for me" Cruise welcome their baby girl Suri into the world, with an eventual photo spread in the appropriately named Vanity Fair. The Senate agrees to a deal for illegal immigrants that have been in the country for five years in which citizenship would be offered if they could prove that they could speak English fluently and could pay their back taxes; the immigrants offer to take the deal if the Congress aggrees to do the same. FEMA announces its guidelines for the rebuilding of New Orleans, including requirements for the levees and height requirements for houses. Said guidelines, which will be cost prohibitive for many of those families hit hard by the events following Katrina, will more than likely be ignored since no one expects FEMA to show up to check anyway. Certainly not by...
MAY: In a clear response to the Scientologlical origins of the Cruise baby, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have their own baby, and show pictures of their child in a magazine named People to essuage fears of the planetary origin of their offspring. Iranian president Ahmadinejad causes trouble by sending Dubya a stern, lengthy letter that causes even more consternation when it has to be transcribed to Magna-Doodle for the president to understand it. Sir Paul McCartny and Heather Mills split, but her divorce claims haven't a leg to stand on. Dubya and British PM Tony Blair hold a joint "He-a-Culpa / No, No, you go first" press conference to discuss their errors in Iraq. The conference is followed by a hunting trip with VP Cheney. Immigrants march in dozens of cities across the country to protest proposed immigration laws, but they don't walk on any of the lawns they just finished. Porter Goss resigns as head of the C.I.A. after getting an invitation from VP Cheney to go hunting. Discussions begin about erecting a wall between the U. S. and Mexico, provided is is pre-painted with German grafitti. The wall could easily stretch into...
JUNE: Al-Qaeda insurgent Al-Zarqawi is finally found and killed. However, there is some suspicion about the circumstances about his death, as he was wearing an orange hunting vest, and when VP Dick Cheney is asked about his whereabouts at the time, he replies "just quail huntin'." Billionaire philanthropist Warren Buffet donates the largest sum ever to the Bill Gates fund, prompting his children to ask "aw, crap. Do we have to suck up to him now, too?" June was a slow month, which was fine, allowing us to prepare for...
JULY: North Korea proves it is just as adept at military ineptitude as the U. S. when it tests its long range missiles, which promptly landed in the water. Sam turned one!!! (Hey, it's my year-in-review...) Saddam Hussein, while on a hunger strike, is fed via a feeding tube. However things don't go well initially when they inadvertantly put the tube up his rear. Dubya signs his first veto when he nixes stem-cell research which is supported by Republican icon Nancy Reagan, who responds to Dubya's veto by asking Cheney to invite Bush to a hunting trip. Convicted Enron head Ken Lay dies prior to sentencing, but VP Cheney is not available for questioning. Mel Gibson, following a party, decides to go on a rather unique religious retreat to promote his upcoming film, Idiotica. His "vacation" should last well into...
AUGUST: A major terrorist plot is foiled in England following the arrest of nearly two dozen people by British police; reports say that some of the suspects were trained on American quail ranches. Dell is forced to recall over a million computers when it is revealed that while the computers themselves work fine, the Windows operating system running on said machines do not crash like they are supposed to. Pluto is dealt a crushing blow when it is demoted from "planet." This confuses the New Horizons probe launched in January, which was sent to study the small then-planet. The probe was last seen around Saturn, listless and moping. An appeal for the celestial body would be filed in...
SEPTEMBER: British Prime Minister Tony Blair announces that he will resign within a year, provided anyone realises that he is in fact in power in the first place. Congressman Mark Foley, former head of the Committee regulating Internet Security and Child Safety, is caught sending sexual email to underage pages; Foley claims he was doing research for a book on Gary Glitter. The Pope pisses off Muslims by declaring Islam to be "evil," supposedly quoting texts by the noted religious scholar Mel Gibson. Virginia Senator George Allen got ready for his diversity training by incorrectly identifying S. R. Siddarth as "Macaca" at a support rally; this incident would lead to several equally screwy, election-costing moments for Allen throughout...
OCTOBER: Madonna returned to England from Africa with a supposedly adopted child, which she said was hers based on the principles of "Finders-Keepers," or as she put it, "no, really, I adopted him," which in Malawi is translated as "that white bitch took my kid." North Korea tests their first nuclear missile, which prompts France to surrender. Dubya and Iraqi PM Al-Maliki hold a joint press conference about the war in Iraq, where Dubya says that the war is not going as planned, but it is still worthwhile, and Al-Maliki opens with "Who is he, and what is he doing here?" NASA approves a mission to repair the Hubble telescope when it is revealed that the galaxies we have been looking at for years are in fact bug splatters on windshields in El Segundo, California. A screwy month of campaigning vaults us into...
NOVEMBER: The Democrats won the election, gaining control of the House and Senate with a platform of "Do Nothing, Say Nothing, and Win Anyway." Teens everywhere are immediately sent the wrong message. Secretary of Defense Donald "Gosh Golly Gee" Rumsfeld resigned his post, causing the Devil to order a gross of space heaters from Amazon. Tom "Goin' on a" Cruise married longtime fan Katie "I'm no Sherlock" Holmes in a private ceremony covered by all the major news networks. Holmes is to celebrate the nuptuals with a private quail-hunting trip. Former Seinfeld actor Michael Richards and former football player O. J. Simpson both continue their work with race relations, Richards with a final comedy club performance, Simpson with a new book. Neither career is expected to last into...
DECEMBER: John Bolton resigns as U. S. Ambassador to the United Nations to star in the production of The Shaggy Dog 2. Former president Gerald Ford died, ending our long national nightmare of work for unfunny comedian Chevy Chase. Tornadoes force Dubya to evacuate his Crawford, Texas ranch, but not before he has to sit on the roof holding a sign that reads, "ironic, hunh?" The sign is, of course, missspelled. Saddam Hussein is hung, not by a chimney, but by the Iraqi government in a move certain to ensure the safety of... Um... Well, maybe the noose. At least we know that it leads us into an interesting (and hopefullly)...
Happy New Year!
